A 'scapering we go...

Episodes We'll Never See on Farscape...We Hope

Pilot: Command carrier fivehundred metras away, four hundred...three 
hundred our lives are over, Aeryn, I love you, Crichton- I really hate you.

Crichton: hey..... and hey!

Pilot: twohundred metras...we're all gonna die! make confessions!

Crichton: I love you aeryn

Dargo: I've wasted my entire life!

Rygel: I rock! but I was a rubbish dominar, I just liked bossing people about

Chiana: I'm a virgin!

Pilot: its gone!

Aeryn: what?

Pilot: the command carrier.

Dargo: oh, gee did I say i'd wasted my life? that was a lie

Chian: I lied too, I just thought it would sound cool...It didn't.

Pilot: I don't really love you aeryn

Crichton: you better not!

Pilot: eep

Chiana: where'd it go?

Pilot: there's another ship approaching, its sending us a transmission.

Crichton: play it.

***transmission****One for sorrow....

Dargo: AAAAAH!

Chiana: kill me now!

all: STEPS!!

Crichton: PILOT GET US OUTTA HERE!!!!

Pilot: fifteen seconds to starburst!

Rygel: I'll die before then!!

Pilot: it's ok, I always count fast so really its now!

***starburst****

all: few!

Pilot: but they're following us!

Crichton: we starbursted

Pilot: they're steps, they can do anything

Rygel: nooo!!

Pilot: well, at least the peacekeepers won't be following us around with them right 
behind us, and scarrens will stay away....

Crichton: do you think thats a good thing!

Pilot: probably not.

Chiana: scarrens or steps.. scarrens.

Aeryn: we're doomed.

***transmission***we are steps, you will listen to us, resistance is 
futile*** (one for sorrow plays)

all: PILOT TURN IT OFF!!!

Pilot: I CAN'T!

all: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

:::The hapless crew are in command. Several DRDs are nearby doing random deeds:::
JC: "How many Peace Keepers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
Rygel: "Do they taste any good?"
AS:(offended) "That's tech work."
D'argo: "Is there a poin to this ridiculous question?"
Zhaan: "I heard this one all ready."
JC: "OK...ok. How many DRDs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
Pilot: "Lightbulbs? Moya possesses no such devices."
:::DRDs suddenly stop and turn their googly glowing eyestalks to Crichton::: "Beep, 
squueek, squeek, beep"
:::John starts laughing like a lunatic, earning concerend looks from the others::: "Right on, 
little buddies."
D'argo (to others): "Who is he talking to?"
Zhaan: "John?" I think you need some rest." (Nods to others who approach with restraints)
DRDs surround John, protecting him from others. 
DRD1"Beep, beep, beep, squeel, squeek." (Translation: Do you feel lucky, punks?")
DRD2 "Queek, squeek, squeek." (Trans: Protect the lightbringer!)
AS: "Pilot. What's wrong with the DRDs?"
Pilot: "The DRDs have declared Crichton their leader."
Others: "What?!!!"
JC (looking smug): "It pays to have friends in low places. Sit back and pay attention now."
DRD1: "Squeek!!"
JC: "Sorry. Figure of speech little dude."
Rygel: "I'm leaving." ::stops when DRDs train weapons on him:::
JC: "How many DRDs does it take to turn Rygel into Hynerian swiss cheese?"
AS: "Now that I'd like to know!!"
Rygel: "You wouldn't!"
DRD2: "Beep, beep, beep, squeel, squeek, beep, beep, beep, squeel, squeek, eek, eek, erg."
:::Phalanx of DRDs open fire on Rygel. The little Hynerian worm jumps away in time to see 
his floating palete blown in to scrap.:::
AS: "Do it again!"
JC (to AS):"You like? Next we take out Crais. Right little dudes?"
DRDs (in unision) "Beep, erpsqueel!!" (Trans: "Right on, Erp-dude)
AS: "Why John. I didn't think you had it in you."
JC: "So who wants to dominate lesser species?"
AS: "Ooo! Me! Me!"
JC: "You're in Aeryn baby"
D'argo (shrugging): "I guess I can find my son afterwards."
Zhaan: "Well I was going to meditate for the next hour but OK. Let's do it."
Rygel: "Frell!"
JC: "Let's rock!"
DRDs: "Beeple-e-beep" (Trnas: Lock and load!)
Moya: "Mmm. Lunch time."
Crichton and Aeryn yelling in unison as Moya Starbursts: "To infinity and beyond!"

The Secret of the Starburst


  [8-14-99]
    

Crichton returns to earth and the crew discover an amazing secret.

:::Farscape 1 lands at Canaveral  followed by shuttle pod from Moya. A crowd of 
John's friends, family, NASA/IASA personnel and papparazzi show up. John gets 
out of  Farscape 1 and is welcome home. He introduces the crew of Moya. All are greeted 
warmly and treated like heroes.:::

After Dinner later that night.

DK: "Great to have you back, John."
JC: "Great to be back. Say....got any starbursts?"

:::Moya crew looks at John oddly:::

DK: "Sure, here." :::passes John half eaten pack of Starburst fruit chews candy:::
JC: :::quickly digs into pack, chewing several enthusiastically::: Mmm. I forgot how 
good Starbursts are."
Zhaan: "Did you say Starbursts, John?"
JC: "Yeah. Want one?"
Aeryn: :::looking dubiously at small colored square that looks like a miniature food 
cube::: "This...this is a...."
JC: "Starburst. Yeah. It's candy."
Zhaan: "You...eat these?"
JC: "Um. Yeah."

:::Non-humans look at one another apprehensively::::

Zhaan (looking shocked and whispering): "Could it be?"
D'argo: "It must. We've found it!"
JC: "Found what?"
Aeryn: "Starbursts."
JC: "Umm. OK. So you found the candy. You guys really need to get out more."
Zhaan: "You don't understand. Ten thousand cycles ago an ancient race created the 
Leviathans and powered them with a material no
one knew how to produce or where it even came from."
D'argo: "These...confections... are that material."
JC: "But it's only candy!"
Zhaan: "It is critical to the Leviathans, who have hoarded their Starbursts for generations."
Aeryn: "This could change everything." :::turns to other humans::: "Will you help us obtain 
more Starbursts?"
Jack Crichton: "Um. Sure."
D'argo: "Excellent we'll inform Pilot immediately and begin loading."

:::John, DK, and Jack Crichton watch the aliens draw up plans for the distribution of Starbursts:::

Jack (shrugging and taking a piece for himself): "I think I better go invest in this stuff."
JC: "But it's only candy."






Star Drek


   

Moya receives an unexpected transmission.

JC: "What's that?"
Dargo: "The most hideous and feared thing in the universe."
JC: "And what's that?"
Zhaan: "Reruns of Spock's Brain."
JC (fleeing in terror): "NOOOoooooooo!!!!!!"
Aeryn Sun: "Well I see John's survival instincts are fully developed."
Zhaan: "We should join him."
Dargo: "But it's....Star..."

:::Moya initiates a Star Burst saving the crew from further Shatnerisms.:::

Zhaan: "Thank you, Pilot."
Pilot: "I hate to watch such trash. By the way you should know Rygel claims Crichton just 
hit on him."
Aeryn: "Hope he got a few lumps in for me."
Pilot: "Perhaps you should listen for yourself."

John's voice: "Hey baby...wanna be the first alien to join the human mile high club?"
Rygel's voice: "What the frell is a mile?"

Aeryn (brandishing a magically appearing pulse rifle with a concerned look): "I'll deal with this."
Dargo: "Why? It's only Crichton."
Aeryn: "Worse. It's the Kirk effect."
Zhaan (gasps in shock and faints.)
Aeryn: "See."
Dargo : Uh it seems I forgot my qualta blade on the last planet we were visiting. 
Sorry. You're on you're own."
Aeryn: "Coward."
Dargo: "No one has ever defeated the Kirk effect."
Aeryn (smiling): "Until now. Don't wait up for us. This may take a while."





Surf'n Galaxy


   

Crichton connects with a new culture on the world of Wipenout.

Alien surfer: "Dude."
Dargo: "Huh?"
Zhaan: "Um....dude?"
Alien surfer: "DU-ude!"
John: "Radical Dude. Like totally tripindicular, man."
Alien surfer: "DUDE! Surf's up."
John: "Dude?"
Alien surfer: "Dude."
John: "DUDE!"
Zhaan: "John, you understand these people?"
John: "Dude...um er...that is yes."
Zhaan: "What planet are we on?"
John: "Wipenout."
Aeryn: "I'm outta here."
John: "Ah c'mon, I gotta see you shoot the curl at least once."
Aaeryn: "I'll shoot *you* a curl if you dont come on."
John: "Bummer."